Mr. A&R Man

YO THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS FUNNY B. MUSIC AIN’T FUNNY, BUT THE MUSIC “BUSINESS” IS REAL FUNNY…

 

MERO WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKIN ABOUT B? WHY YOU SOUND OD CRYPTIC MY NIGGA? ARE YOU A MAYAN NOSTRADAMUS? DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING I DONT? DUH NIGGA, THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS COLUMN B. I’M GIVING YOU NIGGAS #KNOWLEDGEDARTS FOR YOUR CRANIAL FEATURES. TODAY’S MATHEMATICS IS ABOUT WHY BEING AN “A&R” OR A “MANAGER” TO A NON-MILLIONAIRE IN 2011 AND BEYOND IS LIKE BEING A NIGGA THAT MILKS COWS OR SENDS TELEGRAMS B. THAT SHIT IS LIKE BEING AN AOL CHATROOM MODERATOR B. THAT SHIT IS USELESS AND IF I WAS FINANCING A RECORD LABEL I’D FIRE ALL THOSE NIGGAS RIGHT NOW AND USE THAT MONEY FOR DRUGS AND HIRE BITCHES WITH FAKE TITS TO WALK AROUND THE OFFICE NAKED AND INCREASE MORALE & SHIT LIKE THAT.

 

FIRST OF ALL, WHO’S YA A&R? MY NIGGA IN THE WORLD OF HIPHOP IF A NIGGA THAT’S 55 YEARS OLD TRIES TO TELL ME WHATS POPPIN IN THE STREETS MUSICALLY I’MA SEND THE NIGGA TO THE DICK RESTAURANT FOR A FREE SAMPLE B. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. NIGGAS BE A&R’S FOR 30 YEARS FAM! THIS ISN’T LIKE BEING A LAWYER OR SOME SHIT WHERE BEING ON THE JOB 30 YEARS IS A GOOD THING. IN HIPHOP YOU ARE COMPLETELY OBSOLETE B. I DON’T CARE IF YOU DISCOVERED LL COOL J RAPPIN AT A FLEA MARKET IN 79 MY NIGGA GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE AND STOP TRYNA CONVINCE ME SLAUGHTERHOUSE IS WHATS POPPIN IN THE STREETS. THEM NIGGAS WEAR RHINESTONE HOODIES B. YO, MAJOR RECORD LABEL CHECK WRITING NIGGAS, LEMME PUT YOU ON…HIT ME UP ON TWITTER B @THEKIDMERO AND WE’LL HAMMER OUT A DEAL WHERE YOU PAY ME HALF OF WHAT YOU PAY YOUR A&R AND PROVIDE ME WITH WEED AND A COMPUTER. WATCH HOW MANY PLATINUM NIGGAS I RETRIEVE FOR YOU BY JUST SMOKIN 3 BLUNTS AND GOIN ON YOUTUBE FOR 5 HOURS. THAT’S WHAT AN A&R DOES B THAT’S THEY SECRET. I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT CUZ IT’S LIKE A MAGICIAN ADMITTING MAGIC IS BULLSHIT B. EXCEPT IF YOU HIRE ME AS AN ADDED BONUS I WILL ALSO COMPILE A LIST OF THE BEST VIDEOS ON SPANKWIRE & ALSO GIVE YOU  THE LATEST KNOWLEDGE ON THE NBA LOCKOUT LIKE UP TO THE MINUTE STATUS NAHMEAN? SO BASICALLY I’M DOING THE JOB OF AN A&R AND THEN SOME FOR HALF THE PRICE.

 

ALSO, A&R’S WERE RELEVANT WHEN NIGGAS WAS SELLING RECORDS. WHO THE FUCK IS SELLIN RECORDS? SHIT IS SO REAL IN THE FIELD YOU GOT NIGGAS PRETENDING THEY DID NUMBERS JUST TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES. REMEMBER WHEN EVERY RAP ALBUM THAT CAME OUT WENT AT LEAST GOLD? NOW NIGGAS BE NUMBER 284 ON ITUNES AND THROW A FUCKIN SUCCESS PARTY. THERE’S A HANDFUL OF NIGGAS THAT MOVE UNITS AND THOSE NIGGAS DON’T NEED A FUCKIN A&R TO TELL THEM “YO THAT BEAT IS HOT” CUZ THE INTERNET DOES THAT FOR YOU. IT’S REAL EASY TO LEAK A JOINT AND GO ON TWITTER AND DO A LIL SEARCH LIKE

 

SEARCH: MC NUTBALLS

 

@HIPHOPBLOGGERWGLASSES YO THIS NEW MC NUTBALLS IS FUCKIN GARBAGE! THIS BEAT SOUNDS LIKE TWO HIPPOS 69’ING ON A PIANO

 

@BEARDEDWHITEBLOGGER MC NUTBALLS NEW SINGLE LEAVES ALOT TO BE DESIRED! THE BEAT IS A CACOPHONY OF EGREGIOUS NOISE THAT IS NOT AVANT GARDE ENOUGH NOR [more music critic bullshit]

 

@THEKIDMERO YO THIS NIGGA MC NUTBALLS NEW JOINT IS SO CORNY I CAN SEE CHUNKS OF IT IN MY SHIT.

 

ETC ETC YOU FEEL ME? SO BASICALLY YOUR INPUT IS USELESS HIPHOP A&R MAN. PLEASE REMOVE YOURSELF THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACIAL B, AND ALSO OFF THE WHITE DUDE WHO PAYS YOU’S BUDGET.

 

 

“MANAGERS” ARE EVEN WORSE. JUST BEING ON TWITTER LURKING YOU KNOW HOW MANY INTERNET RAP NIGGAS I SEE THAT HAVE “MANAGERS”? INTERNET RAP NIGGAS WITH MANAGERS! MY NIGGA YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A PHYSICAL RECORD OUT B HOW THE FUCK YOU GOT A MANAGER? WHAT IS THAT NIGGA MANAGING? YOUR XBOX LIVE ACCOUNT? YOU’RE NOT SIGNED TO ANY TYPE OF LABEL B! THAT’S LIKE WATCHING P-NO AND HAVING A NIGGA JERK YOU ILLZ. IT’S POINTLESS AND GAY. IF I’M 45 YEARS OLD THE LAST THING I WANNA BE DOING IS SITTING AROUND BLOWIN XANAX UP MY NASAL AND DOIN BONG HITS WITH A NIGGA THATS HALF MY AGE AND IS DRESSED LIKE FUCKIN DAVID LEE ROTH AT A NWA CONCERT B. IF YOU’RE 45 AND WEARING SKINNY JEANS YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE FAM JUST IN CASE THERE WAS ANY CONFUSION NAHMEAN? IF YOU “MANAGE” A NIGGA THAT HAS 500 TWITTER FOLLOWERS AND 5 YOUTUBE VIDEOS, YOU NEED TO REEVALUATE YOUR EXISTENCE. YOU’RE A PROFESSIONAL EMAILER B. YOU EMAIL THE NIGGAS AT O’LEARY’S IRISH PUB TO SEE IF YOUR MAN CAN PERFORM THERE ON THURSDAY. THEY’LL BE LIKE “OK” THEN YOUR MAN GOES ON AFTER A BON JOVI COVER BAND AND GETS BOOED OFF THE STAGE BY DRUNK WHITE SINGLE MOMS WHO WANNA HEAR “DEAD OR ALIVE” AGAIN.

 

SO BASICALLY WHAT I’M TRYNA DO IS PUT YOU CHECK WRITING NIGGAS ON TO THE #KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU COULD GET YOUR FUCKIN 16 YEAR OLD NEPHEW TO WATCH YOUTUBE ON ADDERALL AND HE WOULD BE A BETTER A&R THAN SOME DICKHEAD NIGGA IN EXPENSIVE GLASSES THAT IS BASICALLY JUST A DELUSIONAL OLD COKEHEAD NIGGA THAT GETS OUTFIT IDEAS FROM “LOOKBOOKS” THAT ALAN CUMMING PUT TOGETHER.

 

NAHMEAN AND ALSO TO YOU YOUNG NIGGAS OUT THERE STARTIN OFF SPITTIN YOUR LITTLE RAPS OR WHATEVER, IF A NIGGA TRIES TO “MANAGE” YOU TELL THAT NIGGA TO MANAGE HISSELF OFF THE ROOF OF THE PROJECTS B. IF YOU GOT A YOUTUBE, A TWITTER, AND SOME TYPE OF TALENT, YOU DON’T NEED A NIGGA TO BABYSIT YOU AND TELL YOU YOU NEED A TRACK FROM SWIZZ BEATZ OR WHATEVER OTHER COKEDREAM NIGGAS COOK UP IN THEY MENTAL. AIGHT? HOLD YA HEAD MY CHILDREN I’LL SEE Y’ALL NEXT WEEK.

 

#KNOWLEDGE
100

 

Follow Mero on Twitter: @THEKIDMERO
Check out THE KID MERO online at: victory light.

 

2 Replies to "Mr. A&R Man"
Steez Diamante says:
October 28, 2011 at 1:57 am

comedy gold..

February 16, 2016 at 4:48 am

Excellent information. Lucky me I ran across your website accidentally (stumbleupon).
I have got bookmarked it for later!

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